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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Finding Kara Part 5

By Kelene Blake

James let me out and sat in the car, instinctively knowing that I wanted to be alone. I went to Mama’s spot. I sat down where she used to sit. I pictured her sitting with me. “I’m so sorry Mama.” I told her. “You were waiting for me to get a hold of myself. You were waiting for me to step up, and take care of my own daughter like you took care of me. I never gave you what you were waiting for.”

I felt her spirit move next to me. I knew she was there – listening. I looked out at the rolling waves crashing against the jagged shore below me. I looked out to the spot where the water met the sky. I felt the peace that I used to see on Mama’s face. I finally understood why she came there every so often. She used to worry too. I don’t know why it never occurred to me. All mothers worry. And she had to do so much by herself. In this spot she allowed her fears to wash away with those waves.

“Goodbye Mama. Thank you… for taking care of me and Mari, for sending James today, for everything. ” I whispered as I felt her spirit wash away on the water. Some tears rolled down. Not many, but each drop was loaded with emotion.

Then, I felt it. Something I had not felt since I was seventeen. I felt Kara. She was back. I found her. I found myself. With the ocean churning miles below me, I felt like I was on solid ground.

James promised to call the next day when he dropped Mariana and me off at my apartment. That night, as I watched Mari sleep on my bed, I worried. I worried that I would have to find a new job – outside of the house – to take care of her. I worried that I would not be able to keep that wistful little smile on her face. I worried about what I would say when she asked for Mama again tomorrow. I worried that while I slept next to her on my bed I might roll over and smother her. I looked at my baby’s peaceful sleeping face and worried in all my motherly glory.

I got up for a drink of water before turning in next to her. I glanced up as I passed by a living room window. The curtain was open and the night outside was black. For the briefest of moments I was startled when I saw someone standing there gazing in. I looked at the face looking back at me and smiled with recognition. “I missed you Kara.”

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